in october of 2022, almost one year ago, i had my first public exhibition, called "now i get why people kill themselves" at bunkerk101 in köln.

during my residency in basel in the beginning of 2022 i struggled with depression and felt as distanced towards my "learned" instruments, trumpet and avant-garde jazz composition. at that time, thanks to a dear friend, i started to express myself through painting and singing, medias i didn't have an academic background in and therefore lacking technique. through the playfulness and lack of possibilities i started to look more for the core of what i actually want to express, instead of hiding behind abstract euphemisms.

within the process of trying to regain strength and stability within asking myself questions of necessity, reasoning and depth, connected to life and the art i make, setting a goal, such as this exhibition, helped me find meaning in creating at all.

during three consecutive days i presented all day long my paintings, installations, interactive rooms, avant-pop-music, a booklet with my thoughts and, for the first time in ages, freely improvised music with my quintet "theconsistencyofdestruction" and lina knörr.

now while i had worked w. lina on several projects through the years and recorded numerous albums w. my quintet (3 of them out on this label), i hadn't felt a connection to improvised music in almost a year. the struggle felt all too real, as being a jazz musician made up way too much of my identity as an individual.

so my goal was to create an environment where i can try to relearn what it means to express myself inside improvised music and where i can present a surrounding with my intention of how this music and abstract art should be consumed. we played 6 hours non-stop everyday, being in a space of over 1000 sqm, with different rooms/feels/settings. one could rest for as long as possible, the intention was not to "power" through, but rather let space be made by the extended time-frame, allowing musician and consumer to choose duration and ways of listening.

while this week was draining and frustrating at times, for all of us i think, it also gave me new hope and a sense of a new direction to head into.

on the last day of the exhibition, lukas fehling, the only sound-engineer i could imagine to do this project with, personally and professionally, recorded a few hours of us.


i was incredibly lucky to be able to do this crazy project with not only these great musicians but most importantly dear dear friends, that were there for me in times of mental health issues.


whilst listening back to the recordings i was baffled at how time had seemingly stretched and an (for me unusual) calmness submerged. so while having the emptiest summer of my professional free-lance artist life, i decided to produce a snippet of that.
so here's a 30 minute stretch from "now i get why people kill themselves".


ps: it was also my first time publicly singing, super exciting!:)